I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile now faithful fans and I’ve decided you are ready for it. As a child I threw down with television entirely too often, fight with the kids down the street, go inside watch 4 hours of television, go back outside find some of my neighbors that I didn’t like, fight again. Typical day in my youth. Now I’m an adult and I have to go to work all the time, and I’m hit with real life choices, like how long can I go without spending $40.00 at the grocery store, or is it ok to wear leggings as pants to work?
Gahhhh why did I have to stop having passive aggresive fights with some girl on my street who ate cream cheese from the container with her finger. True story. Her old Italian grandmother caught her and HILARITY ensued. I learned a lot from fighting with some girl and then watching 200 minutes of television, seriously, I grew up to a pretty decent adult, and I don’t know how….and yet maybe I do, because in every 1,000 minutes of bad television there was a 30 minute episode that I like to call the “serious episode”, and I firmly believe that the “serious episode” has helped all of us deal with life’s curve balls.
What is a serious episode you might be asking yourself? It’s any 30 minute or if your lucky hour long 2 part episode of a shitty late 80′s early 90′s tv show that is USUALLY of the comedy genre but takes on serious tone when the characters are faced with any or ALL of the following, drugs, alcohol, domestic abuse, homeless teens, etc. Yes, most episodes of these shows got about as serious as the 10th grade white water rafting trip being cancelled but once in awhile you got a creepy waaaay too serious episode and it was awesomely bad, and kindaaa made domestic abuse funny! So without further ado I give you my favorite serious episodes with a TOUGH ISSUES breakdown and rating.
Full House: DJ has an eating disorder.
It doesn’t take Jillian Michaels to figure out that DJ was always on the fringes of being obese. And finally Lori Loughlin was on entirely too often for us to not have a brush with an eating disorder in the Tanner household. DJ is nervous to be seen at a swimsuit at a birthday party so she does a crash diet for 3 days. 3 days? That’s nothing. DJ realizes she doesn’t look like the bitches in Uncle Jesse’s secret Playboy stash and the games begin. Eventually DJ passes out at the gym or some shit on a crazed work out and Lori Loughlin has to go real talk on her. Because a woman who hosts Wake Up San Francisco can handle any and all problems.
What is the big deal that is me after every work out session, on a light day.
Favorite Line: When DJ’s family is eating dinner and she opts out, “Oh I’m fine, I’ll just have one of these frozen ice pops!” She stuck popsicle sticks in an ice cube tray, AMAZING.
Lesson Learned: If you are going to crash diet don’t start 3 days before the party. ROOKIE MISTAKE FAT ASS.
Family Matters: The GUN episode.
The premise of this one might be my favorite of all time. Laura is robbed at gun point for her jacket (and no, it’s not a Starter) by an all girl gang at her high school. They tell her if she reports the crime she will be shot. I get being shot over sneakers, but bitches killing people over jackets? Laura is scared so she wants t illegal purchase a gun, enter the room voice of reason, URKEL, who begs her not to.
Laura goes ahead with said gun purchase from a man selling them in the back of his car in the school parking lot. As Laura goes to buy her piece someone is shot in the school over sneakers. Enter the room CARL WINSLOW who finds the gang and takes em down. Laura has learned her lesson, and doesn’t need a gun. To help squash violence in the south side of Chicago, Urkel, who apparently moonlights as a narc sets up a gun buy back program at their high school.
WHAAAAT this makes no sense the bitch who spends her afternoon doing her homework in the living room and working at her single Aunt’s small business, remember the cafe??? Is going to buy a gun from a guy in a parking lot. No, but ok.
Favorite Line: “You need to protect yourself. You need a lightweight model that can fit easily into your purse.”-Bobby aka the gun dealer
Lesson Learned: Urkel is a facking rat. Also don’t wear your nice jacket to school.
Saved By The Bell: The Caffeine Pills Episode
I think I saved the fan favorite for last, it’s the caffeine pill episode of Saved By The Bell, also known as Jessie’s Song. The stressors of Bayside High are getting to over achiever Jessie. She’s trying to get good grades so she doesn’t have to be a part of Saved By The Bell: New Class, and she’s in the girl group, Hot Sundae, performing exclusively at the Max.
Pull up a chair, backwards obviously because this shit gets good. To keep up with this little J turns to the deadly combination of the Pointer Sisters and caffeine pills. The gang worries as Jessie spins out of control and they worry she has grown addicted. A concerned Zack goes to visit Jessie, one can’t help but wonder if he thought he could get a little action in her fragile state. Oh preppy, you will me. Zack helps get Jessie off the hard stuff and she OWNS her performance, and her grades.
Favorite Line: To the tune of a very depressing version of “I’m So Excited”, “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so, I’m so… scared! “
Lesson Learned: You will never be Kelly Kapowski, so don’t even try.
So there you have it friends, 3 childhood lessons that would never find yourself in later in life, yet thanks to television you were full equipped to deal with. So go eat up those ice cube pops, go buy an illegal gun, and pop a few caffeine pills! Why? Because bad news, it’s only Wednesday.