Bribery: Digital Pet Edition

It’s Monday, Monday and I’m back from some mind altering days on the west coast. If you have not been to Malibu then please stop reading this tell your boss you feel flu-ish, drive directly to the nearest airport and buy a ticket at the counter and never come back. However, if you live in Malibu you are probably reading this from the beach, because no one in California seems to have a job, and also can I come visit you for the next 2-4 years? So I went on a great Cali vacation where I stalked all the Real Housewives, went on a TMZ run tour, and hung out at the Roosevelt Hotel like I was some coked up Hills cast member.

We also knocked out July 4th, and pretty well if I do say so myself. From California to Cape Cod I’m spreading mass amounts of love across this great nation with a few Amstel Lights and side eye for all you hoes putting up status updates that say “HAPPY 4th EVERYONE”, that’s the best you can do? You attended 16 plus years of schooling and that’s all you came up with? I can’t really judge because Tough Issues confession, I never really cared for school. I always felt like I could be doing something better like watching a Road Rules marathon, or pumping CD singles in my back yard, but you’re also suppose to get some pre-algebra in there I’m told.

To get me through school and occasionally get a B my parents had a tried and true method, bribery. One report card for every B I got my Mom would by be 1 thing from Express, I think I walked out with like a wallet. There was another time when I was suppose to make honor roll to get a Tommy Hilfiger back but I convinced my parents to buy it for me BEFORE report cards, let’s just say I knew it was going to take some pleading to get the bag but I would stand a better chance if it was in a 200 ft radius of my house. Spoiler alert, they caved and gave it to me, and it looked fantastic in my 14 year old mind. Translation, it sucked.

Perhaps one of their best forms of bribery was done at the end of my 6th grade school year. I had read in my TEEN magazine, which is also where I read about the GYNO for the first time and cried. My cousin informed me that you had to go before you turned 18 and I thought maybe I could just lie about my age for 70 years.

Whatever, aside from scaring me about routine procedures Teen also told me about  a hot new trend, Tamagotchi. Don’t remember Tamagotchi? Didn’t you ever go to middle school? Tamagotchis were Japanese hand held digital pets. They operated on those tiny silver batteries that drain in about a minute and you would use the three tiny buttons that are the same size as the reset button on my cable box to create and take care of your baby Tamagotchi.

You were suppose to put them on your key chain but like what 11 year old has a key chain? Unless you were a latch key kid, in which case your parents probably weren’t buying you a Tamagotchi.

Don’t ask me how I found the photo of a Sweet Valley book about their friend Ellen that is a latch key kid. It was easier than one would have thought….You could so some basic shit to your baby Tama like feed it, make it play fetch, and obviously clean up it’s shit. But then there was some weird crap, for example you could discipline your little computer pet, I think that was for when it beeped during your history class. I think the majority of mine would die, or to be honest my sick head would kill them on purpose, so I could get a fresh start. Looking back the graphic itself was a little lacking, to say the least but lay off us, we didn’t even have AIM yet.

Because clearly the Japanese had beat us to the punch and they had a great thing going there had to be some competition in the digital pet world. Enter the Giga Pet and the Nano. Giga pets kinda kicked it up a notch because they had actual animals on the screen. I had a Giga because I suckered my mom into buying me one when was running errands and I felt irrationally happy with the fact that I now had 2 digital pets.

There was serious hell when my sister got a Nano and I realized they were slightly better than my Giga. Obviously I pulled what every 12 year old pulls, the old yea I wouldn’t have wanted that kinda anyway. Because I went to public school that was semi povo the teachers actually let us use our stupid digital pets in school. What the fuck is that? I was excited because it meant I could play fetch with this POS toy during pre-algebra, but looking back, what the fuck? Teachers who were 2 years away from retirement at their finest. Taking care of 2 digital pets was a full time freakin job, plus the batteries died so often you were always reseting these fuckers. Eventually we got them taken away at school, something about being a distraction, what do I know I was too busy coveting a Nano pet to pay attention. So there ya have it, throw your smart phone in the trash, delete your facebook…we all think about when we see basic bitches put up those updates, and find some watch batteries because we’re bring Tamagotchi’s back. Those other digital pets don’t know how to act….ok we’re bringing back that song too…or maybe just this song….

 

 

Yo Facebook, knock it OFF!

There comes a time in all of our lives where we develop a slight sense of self awareness and realize something we are doing is immature and pointless. Thankfully for me the only thing I have crossed that bridge with is watching season 3 of Desperate Housewives. However, lately I don’t feel the same way about Facebook that I once did. I like Facebook for 2 reasons, stalking pictures and putting up decent status updates and I don’t think I’m alone in that friends. However I feel like those of us who use if for these worthwhile reasons are dwindling in an age of stay at home moms documenting every bowel movement of their child and bitches who can’t be funny putting up those damn drawings with phrases about how slutty, drunk, or obsessed with themselves they are. To which I say KNOCK IT OFF FACEBOOK. I come on the book to stalk my ex-boyfriend’s sister and flip through photos of myself, those are the right reasons, so may I give you the wrong uses of facebook in my humble Tough Issues opinion.

1. Your kid

I don’t have a kid, thank god on so many levels, but if I did I really hope I wouldn’t be putting up a million photos of it a day. I get what it looks like, it might even be cute! It might even look cute on the beach, or at a parade, or in it’s Halloween costume. But your kid isn’t doing much, it’s not providing hilarious updates, and those little quotes you have from them, I’ll say 1 in 15 is actually funny. Your kid isn’t having a dramatic Facebook relationship that I can stalk. Your kid doesn’t stay up late enough to have an opinion on Teresa on Real Housewives of New Jersey, I mean maybe you watch the re-broadcast the next day, but that doesn’t count! I want my RHONJ opinions first run. It’s time to take a few less iphone pics with that damn kid and a few more when you are waste faced on girls night out bitches.

My Solution: 1 kid picture a week. It can’t change much in 7 days. And I think Mom’s across book will find they have more time to re-organize the basement toy cabinets…or whatever Mom’s enjoy doing, gahhh I’m never having a child.

2. The VAGUE status update

Not familiar with the vague status update, I’ll give you some of my favorites,

1. Trying not to feel anything….

2. Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any worse….

3. Why do I even try….

The…is key it illicit the standard “WHAT’S WRONG” or the ever popular “OMG WHO DO I NEED TO BEAT UP” and then the comments on a status that gave me an eye roll turn from 2 to 22 as the status updater tells their closest fbook friends things like “I’ll call you later” or “Thanks….things are hard right now”. Listen we have all had shitty days. I’ve had Facebook since 2005, in that time I have gotten my ass dumped multiple times, had epic fights with my friends and family, and gotten laid off. But never once has Facebook seen my sweat. Don’t show Zuckerburg any sense of sadness, rejection, or confusion.

My solution:  If you are really having a bad day call a good friend, go for a run, look into getting a good therapist! This is the most sane advice we have ever given on TI, I will stop NOW.

3. The pictures of your food

Now everybody knows I believe being interested in food is a just a gateway drug to being a fatass so I firmly believe you should have like 10 things in your diet and 2 of them should be hardboiled egg whites and Triscuts which leaves plenty of room for just lemons and ice water, so when I see a picture of your food part of my soul dies. First off, I doubt you need the calories, second of all can’t you just be a normal person and get a cheeseburger side of fries whenever you go out to eat like I do? No you don’t need all that shit in your fbook photo and further more, you don’t need to share it.

4. The Birthday Wishes Thank You

Now I hate to go all female Larry David on here but are we really living an in age where I need to thank someone I haven’t seen in person in 7 years for writing Happy birthday girl! Has anyone ever done the random HEY, happy birthday to someone and then felt so satisfied when they saw the thanks for the birthday wishes the next day. It feel so good to be recognized for my contribution on a social networking site. No one thinks that and if you do get at me, I can knock ya back into reality. Saying happy birthday on facebook takes less effort than getting up to pee right before you are about to drift off to sleep, I want to get thanked for that once in awhile, that is a struggle.

Solution: Accept your birthday wishes  but don’t acknowledge and put up a status like older but not wiser, also I kill people!!!

5. RIP

Now this might be my most controversial belief but lemme walk you through my issue with the Facebook wide death shout out. If I died I don’t want people memorializing that stuff on the book. And what does the Facebook death notice do for the general public? It alerts others who may have known you in the most awkward way possible that you are now dead, and furthermore it allows all those other randos to get in on mourning you. You didn’t put up with my crap that night I had a littttle too much to drink at the Fall River party and cried because I couldn’t find the seatbelt in the car. NO, I don’t want just anyone to have access to mourning my passing. So instead of putting up some vain RIP status, go write the family a nice sympathy card and if are really upset go back to the last line under solutions for the vague status update. I’m not going to write sane words twice in one post.

So there ya have it friends, Facebook we have a problem, but let’s rise up and bring the book back to where we started from a place to piss off all of our ex’s and let 400 people know we are interested in “RANDOM PLAY”.

Friday Throwdown Jam: MA$E

Well, well, well, we meet again. Bitches I missed you. I’m going to be totally honest here, because here at TI we tell like it is, or at least how it should be….or how we envision that it is…ok we had a MINOR life set back here in my normal functioning life of being a somewhat responsible, contributing member of society. Yes TI is getting laid off, and not from this blog, THANK GOD.

So I’m getting laid off from my real job that pays my bills and let’s me have health insurance, it sucks but it could be a lot worse. I’m still skinny, I still know all of the presidents (and the first 20 in order), and we still have TOUGH ISSUES. I’m going to have a great summer, little unemployment, little studying for the GRE, and life will go on. So the cat is outta the bag…but a few of you have been on my case saying where the HELL ya been TI!?!? Well I have a lot that I need to do because of all this so I haven’t had time to jot down notes on receipts that say things like “Trapper Keepers never stayed intact past Columbus Day Weekend!!!”. And then do 850 words based on that and fluffy pens. One of those pens spends an afternoon underneath your pre-algebra book and it never looks that good again, ok let’s be honest you are hot mess in 6th grade, it never looks that good.

Also, you won’t get a piece as hot as Elton until you are 22. Well at least in my case, someone argued that was my best work ever the other day, I couldn’t disagree but it was like that was 5 years ago andddd I’m getting laid off, thanks for the reminder. WHATEVER. Since life hasn’t seemed as hilarious as drinking mini bottles of Sutter Home and clapping along to Celebrity Apprentice from my bed it’s a bit of a TOUGH transition to just write crap but we are going with the old stand by a video THROWDOWN to the sweet sounds of Tough Issues fan boy (typo but it stays) MA$E.

The year was 1997, the setting? My back yard. The essentials? CD singles and a really long extention cord. Because we weren’t helping Elton find his Cranberries CD in the quad we were dragging a broke ass CD player out and pumping the CD singles that I earned for getting B’s on my report card. One of the biggest single stand outs was MA$E, remember the slightly pudgy sidekick to Puffy back in 98? Basically Puffy was used to having an overweight sidekick and he figured MA$E would do, so they bought matching outfits, leased boats together, and threw lyrics about cars they could barely afford over sampled tracks. Basically he was Biggie LITE. There are a few stand out MA$E tracks but perhaps my favorite was, Feel So Good, a moving tribute to a fake Vegas back drop and bad, bad, bad, bad boys.

What this song lacked in going to Vegas it made up for in fireworks and flammable jumpsuits. I assume the production meeting went something like this, CASINOS and hoes….and a rain machine. Unlike our last throwdown Friday jammer R. Kelly Ma$e isn’t one for a story line, so basically the viewer is allowed to make their own interpretations. It’s a 1997 Choose Your Own Adventure music video.

The actual song is basically a homage to the MA$E lifestyle, I give you a few choice lyrics….

I’d a hit everything, from Cancun to Grant’s tomb

WHAT? What does that even mean? You will bang everyone from Cancun Mexico to the Tri-state area? Here are your two visuals.

 

I can only imagine that this the conversation in the studio went something like this…what is a good place to bang chicks? CANCUN…ok…what rhymes with that…broom…soon….ehhh…TOMB. Yo remember that class trip to New York City, we visited that tomb of that dead Civil War guy and you bought that huge pixie stick??What as his name??? GRANT, yea write that down, we can use that.

The dance moves alone make this video. If you have any recollection of Diddy dancing, I can assure you that it all rubbed off on Mason Betha, yes that was his given name, yes his nickname, not too far off. Basically you if could slightly bend down and bend your arms you could get down with this choreography.

I’m sorry but what respectable guy is like hell ya let’s throw on a sick pleather jumpsuit. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m from the school of thought that if you are a guy and your go to outfit isn’t just a t-shirt and pair of jeans that were under 60 bucks you’re probably not interested in me, or anyone of my sex…or spending under $20 bucks on a haircut. If your outfit (not including sneakers) and haircut were over $100 it’s probably not going to work out between us. Although I’m more than ok spending over $100 on jeans for myself, call it a hypocritical belief, I just call it, I don’t want to waste 10 months of my life dating a gay guy….AGAIN.

Phew that was a tangent, and furthermore why is Diddy in this video although he contributes about 10 syllables the entire track. You know MA$E showed up to film this shit on the back lot of the ALL THAT set and Diddy just showed up with a matching suit…hey man why don’t you throw me in a few scenes?

I don’t know Diddy you aren’t even in the song…I guess you could throw a few of you’re signature THAT’S WHAT WE DO in the background…I mean you drove all the way down here…and you already helped yourself to craft service, so sure you can be in the video.

This video speaks of a different time and place…it was a pre-9/11 world, Mase hadn’t discovered Jesus yet, and we weren’t old enough to realize that Puff Daddy songs were just sampled tracks from our parent’s generation. But you know what we take what we can get here at TI and we have a good time, and I think that speaks to the lay off, the new life plan, and the SUMMER OF TOUGH ISSUES. I guess what I’m trying to say is, much like my boy Mase once said, I’m back.

Marry, F, Kill: Dead Musicians of 2012 Edition

It’s been a hot minute since I hit you with the sometimes entertaining, always controversial Marry, F, Kill, and I had my AHA moment the other day when I came up with this one. Because I have never heard the phrase “too soon” and I never met a dead celebrity that I couldn’t get a one liner out of, except Sinatra, don’t ever mess with that one.

I’m ready for this one, despite what the general public is ready for. What’s up with 2012, the voices of our generation are dropping like flies, yes in this scenario Davy Jones is part of my generation, and that’s because I watched a shit ton of Nick At Night as a child. Whatever, we didn’t have that damn ONDEMAND, so at about 8 pm you could watch World News Tonight orrrr Bewitched, anyone born before 1990 should know the difference between Dick York and Dick Sargent.

 

That being said I give you your Marry, F, Kill: Dead Musicians of 2012 Edition, Whitney Houston, Davy Jones, Adam “MCA” Yauch.

    

 

Marry: MCA!

Well obviously we love anything related to the hip hop genre, and anything that can somehow connect us with 6 degrees, hell maybe even 4 degrees of seperation from HOVAAAAAA.

Beastie Boys started on DEF JAM, need I say more. And I mean if you are going to lock it down, he seemed pretty chill, regular guy, liked sports. Basically if you like sports and don’t spend more than $20 on a haircut I think you’re a regular dude, and let’s be honest our next 2 are a little out there, so lock down MCA. And to be honest I’ve always had a little thing for dudes that kinda resemble Randall from Clerks, we love a bad ass attitude here at TI.

F: DAVY JONES.

Ladies LOVED Davy, ever see a Monkees re-run? Haven’t you always dreamed of making people born in 1959 jealous? F Davy Jones and you can be a living legend amongst the Baby Boomers of America. Also you wouldn’t want to marry Davy, he seemed to enjoy those outfits just a little too much if I recall correctly, and he was short. If Greg Brady had died this would be a whole different story.

I would say kill the other two and marry GREG and make him sign a pre-nup that you can never get a divorce…in his own blood…if that’s even legally possibly. But we work with the dead celebs we have got and in this case, it’s Davy for the win here.

KILL: WH-WH-WHITNEY.

Maybe LL Cool J did too good of a job getting me over the death of Whitney Houston at the Grammys but I literally felt like I have conquored my grief and was ready to move on by the end of the night. Where was LL when Swayze died…I have barely processed that bad boy.

You know I love me a good ol Whitney jam session, and any true TI fan remembers the weekend I discovered the entire series of “Being Bobby Brown” on youtube and seriously couldn’t control myself. I was actually relieved there wasn’t a second season because it was too addicting.

However, Whitney was kind of a bitch, and we don’t need that, not when we have a bad ass white Jewish rapper and 105 episodes of the Monkees available on VHS courtesy of E-bay. Sure she could sing, but Davy and Adam could sing to, and they didn’t need to fight with BOAAAABAAAY to prove it. So we kill Whitney, I mean it’s already been done so it makes it a little easier.

So there ya have it, be offended, don’t be offended. I’ll admit I love a good celebrity  death and I’m not afraid to type about it. For your viewing pleasure here I am about to take in a play with good old Abe Lincoln last week.

Shortly after this photo was taken this happened….

 

 

You’re Ruining It For Everyone….Pet People!

In not so shocking news, I’m over tired, cranky, and already sick of being back at work. That being said it didn’t take long for me to find something that was just PISSING me off today, it comes from you PET PEOPLE. To me there is a difference between a pet lover and a pet person, a pet lover is someone that likes their dog (only animal I find socially acceptable to own). A pet person is someone that’s life is so creepily consumed by that of their animal that they are no longer a person, but a pet person.

Let me take you back 72 hours ago when this alllll began…I was perusing the book, one of my favorite activities, lay off me, I’m also skinny and have over 4 guys that wish I was their girlfriend….I think…maybe 2 1/2. So I’m on there and I start to notice a plethora of Mother’s Day present photos, you know the present photo, when someone posts a photo of flowers, candy, or a purse sitting on their desk at work to remind all of us that if we were just a little bit better we could be getting presents between the hours of 9 and 5.

But a lot of these people are not parents to a human, they are parents to an animal and they are getting presents with messages from the damn pets that say,  “Thanks Mama, we love you”. Ok, maybe it’s because I have no soul and if I ever have children it’s going to be the first time someone openly admits to being a hands off parent, but I’m disgusted.

These are animals, they will be dead in 13 years, and they like you because you give them food. How did pet people get this way, it’s pathetic, but then I kept perusing and I realized this is an epidemic and it must be STOPPED.

Sometimes it comes in the form of photos. How annoying is it when you go to stalk someone on fbook and they have 4 albums, “Spring Break: 2005 LET’S DO THIS” and “MEET HERSHEY: FIRST DAY WITH OUR NEW PUPPY!!” Nooooooo I wanna see some shots of you and your ex, some weight loss and gain, a few questionable nights from the last 2 years. Not some lame ass album of your dog laying on his doggie bed.

And spoiler alert: he’s going to chew that shit up in a WEEK. So you better get yo ass back to Petco or just cave and face the fact that he will be hanging on your couch for the next 13 years, or until you have a baby and get rid of his ass, which ever comes first.

Which brings me to the deeper level of the photos. How annoyed are the people at the Sears Portrait Studio when you bring in the fucking dog. I’m sorry but how are people still even getting these photos taken? In my humble opinion even the baby photos taken in these places look like you put your 6th month old in some cheesy ass shirt that says “Party At My Crib” threw a table cloth over a milk crate, laid the kid on said milk crate and let someone who has most likely been convicted of a misdemeanor in the last 6 months take their photo. BRAVO!

And if that wasn’t bad enough people are bringing the freakin dog in….WHYYYY. Don’t you own a digital camera with a self timer? Apparently not. In a quest to end this disgusting trend, I will buy any pet owner interested in getting a professional photo of their dog taken a digital camera, anything to make this shit stop.

Perhaps even more disturbing are the outfits. Why are we dressing them up? I have a hard enough time figuring out what I’m going to wear every freakin day. I literally laid in bed staring at my open closet for 15 minutes this morning thinking, nothing works, nothing will ever work, then it was 6:50 am I had to be at work in 40 minutes, so something was going to have to work. However these pet people some how have the budget and the time to pull off outfits for the damn pet.

Interesting sidenote about some, not all, but some of the pet people, sometimes the pet looks like it spent more time getting ready than the owner did…just sayinggggg

And finally I give you the piece de resistance, right back where we began this tirade, the pet Facebook.

Yes, these are real and poke around for a bit and you will find them. This is when a pet person had used up all their Groupons at Sears, spent all their mad money on decorated collars, and there is nothing left to do but embark on a journey to make a Facebook for your pet. Suddenly your pet is posting status updates, uploading mobile photos, and taking away from your Facebook presence. NO, this should never happen guys. Being annoying on Facebook happens easily, hell I’m guilty of it, you’re guilty of it, but being annoying via your pet is not acceptable. It must be stopped.

And before you go PETA on my size 2 ass, can I just say I like animals. I had a dog growing up, we liked him well sorta, but we treated him like every other member of our family, we called him a shithead, rolled out eyes at him, but deep down we loved him and he knew that.

So take it down a notch people, the Betty Draper Charm School condones golden retrievers, but only when it makes us look caring and still hot.

Also, you can’t get fat.

Friday Throwdown Jam: Bone Thugs “Crossroads”

Well, we made it through another week friends and frenemies, well done! I’ll admit this week was a stressfest here at TI, both personally and professionally. I am looking forward to catching up with the bottle of Sutter Home I neglected all week and just doing whatever I wanna do, GOSH it’s cool now. It’s Friday so we can all just turn up out computer speakers at work and pump Bone Thugs. Which brings us to our Friday THROWDOWN jam of the day, Bone Thugs “Crossroads”. The year was 1995, the setting, Ocean Edge Resort and Gulf Club in Cape Cod, the ride, my aunt’s 1992 Ford Taurus station wagon, the track of choice was CROSSROADS.

My cousin Joey had the Bone Thugs single and we would drive through this gorgeous resort PUMPING Bone Thugs. I can only imagine how disturbing it must have been for families walking to the pool to see a bunch of little white kids being driven around by their aunt with all the windows down singing lyrics like, “Bury me by my grand-grand and when you can, come follow me”.

So without further-ado I give you your Friday Throwdown jam, Bone Thugs N Harmony, CROSSROADS.

The lyrics of the song speak to everything that a white upper middle class kid goes through before age 12, gang related violence in the inner city. The video starts off in a setting I know all too well, a Catholic Church. What was up with the 1992-1997 concept of just putting guys in variations of similar outfits and having them stand in a row and sing? Sunglasses are NOT optional?

Through out the video different people are murdered which is signified by NEO from the Matrix walking up and turning their eyes black. So basically True Blood ripped off this ENTIRE concept in season 2. They are also apparently just killed by vanishing, it’s basically the plot line to Ghost Dad.

You can die in a multide of ways when you roll with the Bone Thugs, like trying to jump a chain link fence. Or by playing an innocent game of cards in your suburban neighborhood, RIP UNCLE GEORGE.

I remember this one really disturbed me, what had Uncle George done? You know this was like some old school stuff that came back to haunt Uncle George that he had done in his youth. I think that’s where they got the concept for that episode of Soprano’s where Tony and Meadow go to visit colleges and Tony runs into that guy from a million years ago that ratted him out to the Feds and kills him. Payback is a bitch.

Or how about when the just kill a baby in a hospital while the parents watch. Was that necessary? What kind of hospital is this that a baby who is clearly not in the neonatal intensive care unit is just dropping dead, and furthermore what kind of hospital has actual cradles? 

I fully understand that Uncle George had to be off-ed in the drive by shooting but is really necessary to take out some seemingly lovely couples newborn baby? Way to go Bone Thugs. Then he takes the baby to some fucked up version of where the evil guy in the Smurfs lived.

Gargamel can make his favorite soup using a Smurf, orrrr a baby brought to him by Bone Thugs N Harmony. That sounds about right.

But yet in death there is new life, because your friend lives on. For example they might come back as Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Or how about that baby of the nice couple in the maternity ward? Well apparantly Gargamel didn’t get to her, because he’s being held by this nice angel and watching a dope sunset.

The fact of the matter is we all die, drive by shootings, Tony Soprano, natural causes in infancy. But we can all meet up again at the Crossroads, and you won’t be lonely, I mean you’ll have Uncle George, some poor couple’s baby, andddd Bill Cosby in Ghostdad.

Way Back Wednesday: 90′s Shows Get Serious

I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile now faithful fans and I’ve decided you are ready for it. As a child I threw down with television entirely too often, fight with the kids down the street, go inside watch 4 hours of television, go back outside find some of my neighbors that I didn’t like, fight again. Typical day in my youth. Now I’m an adult and I have to go to work all the time, and I’m hit with real life choices, like how long can I go without spending $40.00 at the grocery store, or is it ok to wear leggings as pants to work?

Gahhhh why did I have to stop having passive aggresive fights with some girl on my street who ate cream cheese from the container with her finger. True story. Her old Italian grandmother caught her and HILARITY ensued. I learned a lot from fighting with some girl and then watching 200 minutes of television, seriously, I grew up to a pretty decent adult, and I don’t know how….and yet maybe I do, because in every 1,000 minutes of bad television there was a 30 minute episode that I like to call the “serious episode”, and I firmly believe that the “serious episode” has helped all of us deal with life’s curve balls.

What is a serious episode you might be asking yourself? It’s any 30 minute or if your lucky hour long 2 part episode of a shitty late 80′s early 90′s tv show that is USUALLY of the comedy genre but takes on serious tone when the characters are faced with any or ALL of the following, drugs, alcohol, domestic abuse, homeless teens, etc. Yes, most episodes of these shows got about as serious as the 10th grade white water rafting trip being cancelled but once in awhile you got a creepy waaaay too serious episode and it was awesomely bad, and kindaaa made domestic abuse funny! So without further ado I give you my favorite serious episodes with a TOUGH ISSUES breakdown and rating.

Full House: DJ has an eating disorder.

It doesn’t take Jillian Michaels to figure out that DJ was always on the fringes of being obese. And finally Lori Loughlin was on entirely too often for us to not have a brush with an eating disorder in the Tanner household. DJ is nervous to be seen at a swimsuit at a birthday party so she does a crash diet for 3 days. 3 days? That’s nothing. DJ realizes she doesn’t look like the bitches in Uncle Jesse’s secret Playboy stash and the games begin. Eventually DJ passes out at the gym or some shit on a crazed work out and Lori Loughlin has to go real talk on her. Because a woman who hosts Wake Up San Francisco can handle any and all problems.

What is the big deal that is me after every work out session, on a light day.

Favorite Line: When DJ’s family is eating dinner and she opts out, “Oh I’m fine, I’ll just have one of these frozen ice pops!” She stuck popsicle sticks in an ice cube tray, AMAZING.

Lesson Learned: If you are going to crash diet don’t start 3 days before the party. ROOKIE MISTAKE FAT ASS.

Family Matters: The GUN episode.

The premise of this one might be my favorite of all time. Laura is robbed at gun point for her jacket (and no, it’s not a Starter) by an all girl gang at her high school. They tell her if she reports the crime she will be shot. I get being shot over sneakers, but bitches killing people over jackets? Laura is scared so she wants t illegal purchase a gun, enter the room voice of reason, URKEL, who begs her not to.

Laura goes ahead with said gun purchase from a man selling them in the back of his car in the school parking lot. As Laura goes to buy her piece someone is shot in the school over sneakers. Enter the room CARL WINSLOW who finds the gang and takes em down. Laura has learned her lesson, and doesn’t need a gun. To help squash violence in the south side of Chicago, Urkel, who apparently moonlights as a narc sets up a gun buy back program at their high school.

WHAAAAT this makes no sense the bitch who spends her afternoon doing her homework in the living room and working at her single Aunt’s small business, remember the cafe??? Is going to buy a gun from a guy in a parking lot. No, but ok.

Favorite Line: “You need to protect yourself. You need a lightweight model that can fit easily into your purse.”-Bobby aka the gun dealer

Lesson Learned: Urkel is a facking rat. Also don’t wear your nice jacket to school.

Saved By The Bell: The Caffeine Pills Episode

I think I saved the fan favorite for last, it’s the caffeine pill episode of Saved By The Bell, also known as Jessie’s Song. The stressors of Bayside High are getting to over achiever Jessie. She’s trying to get good grades so she doesn’t have to be a part of Saved By The Bell: New Class, and she’s in the girl group, Hot Sundae, performing exclusively at the Max.

Pull up a chair, backwards obviously because this shit gets good. To keep up with this little J turns to the deadly combination of the Pointer Sisters and caffeine pills. The gang worries as Jessie spins out of control and they worry she has grown addicted. A concerned Zack goes to visit Jessie, one can’t help but wonder if he thought he could get a little action in her fragile state. Oh preppy, you will me. Zack helps get Jessie off the hard stuff and she OWNS her performance, and her grades.

 

Favorite Line: To the tune of a very depressing version of “I’m So Excited”, “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so, I’m so… scared! “

Lesson Learned: You will never be Kelly Kapowski, so don’t even try.

 

So there you have it friends, 3 childhood lessons that would never find yourself in later in life, yet thanks to television you were full equipped to deal with. So go eat up those ice cube pops, go buy an illegal gun, and pop a few caffeine pills! Why? Because bad news, it’s only Wednesday.

You’re Ruining IT For EVERYONE, basic bitches.

It’s Tuesday, it’s raining, and it hasn’t hit 70 degrees in approximetly 9 days, so clearly I’m heated. I have Sox tickets tonight which will more thank likely result in my broke ass sitting in the bleachers for 2 hours only to have the game rained out slash lose the dope blow dry I did last night. I spent at least 15 minutes with the round brush for NOTHING.

Because I’m heated, and I have no soul when it comes to the internet I have decided to tackle something that has been bothering myself, and Tough Issues fanboy Mikey B. for awhile now, the BASIC BITCH. I’m excited to say that Mike and I made this list together and we are excited to share witchu HOESSSS. You may be sitting at your desk/iphone/palm pilot wondering …what is a basic bitch?  Easy a basic bitch is someone that likes pointless crap that gives a bad name to all bitches out there. You might be wondering now, am I a basic bitch? Well take our trick ass bitch quiz and find out now. Just a heads up if you like quizzes you are probably a basic bitch, so keep reading!

You might be a basic bitch if…..

1. You still watch Jersey Shore:

Sure anyone could throw down with the first season of J Shore, we coined the term grenade, we made Ron-Ron juice, and Snooks was kinda entertaining. You ever see these broke asses in Italy, it’s embarrassing. Every episode is exactly the same, the wake up at noon, pretend to work somewhere, come home, take showers, go out and fight with each other and locals. If I wanted to watch a bunch of boring people fight over dudes who are not hot I would go back to the 10th grade. If you want to watch some entertaining people have reality tv fun in Italy go re-watch season 2 of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Can I get this shit framed?

2. You read Jodi Picoult books.

I could write a Jodi Picoult book in an afternoon and still have time to do a 45 minute blow dry/curl ends. Have you ever read one of these books? Someone has to die, then some dumb bitch is trying to not get convicted for murder…or is having the dead persons baby…or falls in love with the dead persons brother. This is some 8th grade plot line if I ever heard it. I’ll admit I borrowed one for someone once and I read it and I was like eh that was almost entertaining, lay off me I was on vacation. So I borrowed another one, it was the same freakin plot set in a different quaint New England village. How many people are committing murder suicide in the Berkshires???? And if you are a bitch that reads these I should point out that there is always a creepy Jesus undertone.

4. You own pink Red Sox gear

Listen I’m all for looking dope in your sports gear. I look fantastic in a v-neck, but last time I checked pink and baby blue were for baby showers that I’m hung over at. No I don’t need any cake, I just threw up in the function hall bathroom, I will take a mint though. Why do bitches need to have pink Red Sox crap, what is this proving? I like sports, but I’m still going to be a tacky biatch about it. Grow up and wear a real color.

Also, look at this shirt, least flattering cut ever. You think think that’s going to get you picked up at the Baseball Tavern? Return that for a low v-neck.

4. You quote Marilyn Monroe

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe…except this should say a 9th grade girl with a dream journal and 2 ex-boyfriends.

Ok, how did this Marilyn Monroe shit start and how do we make it stop? Marilyn Monroe never said ANY of this shit, where are basic bitches finding these quotes? Oh I know, on sites that actually have lists of  fake Marilyn Monroe quotes and the facebook profiles of other basic bitches. Ladies, if Marilyn were alive today she would be your own lil Lohan who you have all abandoned. Marilyn Monroe was a pill popping hoe, we condone hoes here at TI, but not the self medicating kind.

5. You drink Skinny Girl Margarita…a LOT.

Listen I enjoy a glass of Skinny Girl, hell I enjoy a bottle of Skinny Girl. But you don’t have to attend bar tending school to figure out that it’s just a clear tequila with lime juice and agave. I could make you that shit for 9 dollars in my kitchen, save you $4 , and not contribute to Bryn Hoppy’s college education. I like Bethany just as much as the next bitch, and she is an exemplary trick ass bitch, but basic bitches you’re arms aren’t toned enough to be Bethany Frankel. Ice it up and hit me with a Skinny Girl, but if you can’t pound a Bud Light, you my friend are wasting bar money and you are being a basic bitch.

Some other talking points that there just AREN’T enough hours in the day to address for basic bitches: reading Perez Hilton still, quoting and relating to any and all characters on Sex & The City (you are NOT Carrie Bradshaw, and more importantly why would you want to be her??), you shop at Express often, you own anything by Adele, you have read and enjoyed more than one Chelsea Handler book, you put up facebook shout outs to people not on facebook, you still put up facebook shout outs, you like The Notebook.

So that’s your list friends, agree, disagree, change your ways, defreind me…it don’t mattaaaa. And I’ll admit I like a lot of shitty shit, judge all you want, but I can tell you one thing I’m not a basic bitch, and hopefully you aren’t too. Special thanks to Mike B aka the King of Tribeca for helping me put together this list, he’s the most not basic bro I know, after my Dad.

Questionable Metaphors and Basketball Jerseys A Tribute To R Kelly Ignition.

This morning in my 6 minute commute to work, which I inevitably am still always running late for I realized I wasn’t in as MUCH of a foul mood as usual. I couldn’t put my finger on it and the I remembered, in the words of Robert Sylvester Kelly, also known as R. Kelly, it’s the FREAKIN WEEKEND.

If you are from the Tough Issues school of thought, which god help you if you are, you know that the greatest moment of the week is the freakin weekend. I’m in a good mood, you’re in a good mood, and we don’t have to set our alarms manana. Unless you work on the weekends, in which case completely disregard everything I just said, and everything Mr. Kelly is about to say. In honor of the weekend I give you your Friday Throwdown jam of the day, IGNITION: Remix.

I’m not really sure if there was an ever un-remixed version of this song, but F it WE’LL DO IT LIVE!!! WE’LL DO IT LIVE!!!!

Right off the bat Kells literally introduces this video with talking, “Yo usually I don’t do this, but  break em off with a little preview of the remix”. I can only compare this to the b.s. line the nurse practitioner gave me at Winchester Family Physicians 2 weeks ago, when she gave me an emergency Z-Pac before my strep text came back. USUALLY I DON’T DO THIS FOR PEOPLE! Wow, a bitchy nurse and R. Kelly, both going against their own code of conduct. WHATEVER! Unfortunately only one of them was wearing a coat that may or may not have been made out of a polar bear.

Yes, because Kells only has two choices of attire the entire time, can you imagine how many eye rolls the person on wardrobe had? Kells would like a white fur coat, and then 43493849504358 basketball jerseys. That sounds do-able.

If you watch this video carefully the concept is pretty straight forward. R. Kelly and a group of respectable women leave their suite (read: adjoining rooms at the Raddison Hotel) to hit up a party, however the party is located in the stretch Hummer.

Kells goes into the limo and it suddenly has tripled in size, has a full bar, and allows you to stand up on said bar and dance. It’s really the Narnia of the rap world, but in this case the wardrobe is a limo and a world with magical creatures is a world with a man who was accused of raping an underage girl.

There are so many classic lines in this video but here are my favorites:

1. You must be a football coach they way you have got me playing the field.

I wish I could use that line in conversation. Does that mean she is playing KELLS, watch out lady, he doesn’t take no for an answer. Wait I can’t write that, ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES.

2. Cristal poppin the stretch Navigator, we got food everywhere, as if the party was catered.

Any time you go to any throwdown I think it’s important to have a rough draft of the food and beverage situation. And as we learned yesterday the early 2000′s were the golden years of referencing Cristal.

However, I wonder if food is the best choice at this throwdown. With the amount of basketball jerseys, bodily fluids, and sweatbands do you really think that having a plethora of food sanitary? My cousin who lives in Chicago was telling me they have food at WAKES. So it’s a dead body andddd an egg salad sandwich with a side of pasta salad.

I’m sorry I’m voming. Chicago is the hometown of Kells, note the repeat BULLS jersey, so maybe it’s just a Chi-Town thing, food in questionable situations. Also, in this video I imagine the food is similar to a wake spread, chaffing dishes of baked ziti, garden salad, assorted deli meats, and brownie bites for dessert YUM!

3. After the show it’s the after party, and after the party it’s the hotel lobby.

Listen there is no way around this, Kells and I have something in common, we are both PLANNERS. I’m a planner bitches, and I love a guy that just lays the evening out. Kells specifically plans out the evening, from the show, to the party, and then BACK to the front desk at the Raddison Hotel.

Good fight, GOOD NIGHT. YO WHAT TIME DO YOU HOES STOP SERVING ROOM SERVICE. You know it’s going to be a late night snack by vending machine. Once I got into  a fight with the front desk at like 3 am because they had forgotten to bring us a cot and they were out and I believe my line was , “Steve, I’m just like so disappointed, but I’m too tired to fight right now, so I’m going to come downstairs tomorrow and we are going to talk this out.” Spoiler alert: I threw my freakin shades on in the morning, stole a cup of coffee, and never talked it out with Steve.

So enjoy your weekends friends and frenemies! Rock out to Kells, fight with hotel front desk clerks, and if all else fails pound an egg salad sandwich in a questionable location. See you hoes on MONDAY.

Confessions of a Former Prank Caller

Guyssss last weekend I did something kinda immature, shocking right? I threw a house party. I hadn’t done that shit in years. Back in my hey day of under age/living at the casa de Dad I threw a couple that resulted in several of my father’s CD’s being stolen and having to spend the better part of an afternoon cleaning out the grill. Basically they were the white version of this:

But in honor of wrapping up a 13 vacation that included but was not limited to drinking many mini bottles of Sutter Home, hitting on men who had been divorced not once, not twice, but thrice, and watching Untouchable: The Drew Peterson Story twice, in one night, I knew that a house party at the APT was the most fitting way to say so long SPRING BREAK. So we threw down, and granted it wasn’t like the old days, ie I didn’t find any random dudes crying in my little sister’s room watching “The Emperor’s New Clothes” on VHS. Yes, that happened once. But the Bone Thugs tracks were plentiful, the random assortment of booze was high (WHO BROUGHT MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE?), and there were a few people who I’m still hazy on how they ended up there. I think Kid and Play would have approved. But guys something HAPPENED, so I had hooked up my phone to the Bose, because if you want to play with the big dogs it’s a Spotify playlist fo REAL.

But with every great house party there is someone who didn’t make the invite list. Who am I kidding I was inviting anyone and their brother, but apparently I forgot someone because they started calling at about midnight and consequently interuptting the music every 2 minutes, but get this, it was on a PRIVATE NUMBER. WHAAAAT?? Who is still *67-ing before they dial? Are we at a 7th grade sleepover ( I WISH). And it didn’t stop, until I picked up and said, LISTEN you are inturrupting a jam session, CUT THE SHIT. And after that, they kinda let up. I woke up the next day and was like what the fuck, who still PRANK CALLS? Then I realized, how can I hate, because guys, I was a prank caller.

When you grow up with parents who OWNED Jerky Boys records and at age 6  can quote Frank Rizzoi applies for a job as a mechanic quotes you are really setting yourself up for an interesting adolescence.

I started my foray into prank calling with the September favorite, the school directory. Yes, while most kids were excited about a fresh Trapper Keeper, that piece of shit was going to last about 3 weeks, the school directory was about to last me the entire academic year haterssss.  I would do the usual call and hang up, call and put the phone up next to JAMN 94.5, nothing that exciting, but we were just laying the foundation.

By the time I got to high school it was time to KICK IT UP A NOTCH. I had already earned a reputation as a pranker so it was time to expand beyond the class list. So began, stores, businesses, etc. No business was safe but my favorites included but were not limited to:

Kinko’s: I would attempt to order 5,000 flyers for a party TONIGHT. My tag line was, I need a homie on the front, and a homie on the back. I don’t even know what that means.

The local liquor store: Keeping in mind that I was throwing a party for approximetly 5,000 homies I was going to need some beverages. I would inform the liquor store that I needed about 200-300 bottles of Cristal by tonight. Mind you I had never even had champagne, I had probably consumed half a Zima and 4 sips of Miller High Life at this point. But I HAD seen a plethora of Puff Daddy videos and I knew this would be a necessity to any throwdown.

Usually they would say they didn’t have any but one time the guy was like I think we have some, he puts me on hold for like 15 minutes and comes back panting, YES we have 3 bottles of Cristal!!! Would you like them delivered? Where did you say the party was again, what is the address for the Medford Boat Club?

This is when I promptly hung up. PS when did they get tables with UMBRELLAS??? What the hell! Why did my dad have to cancel our membership? I think it’s because I almost got kicked out of the sailing program on a weekly basis for trying to bring my shower radio on the boat, showing up late on purpose, tipping over a row boat on purpose…

Biznasses were fun and all but then I met the E-Baum’s soundboard. Remember this bad Larry? If you had a cordless phone…or just a phone with decent amount of cord you could at the desk top and work some serious prank call magic.

Finally I could go back to the Holy Grail of the school directory undetected. I had this one family that had an uncle who must have sounded JUST like Dr. Phil because I could get the mom to talk to him for about 2-3 minutes before she would figure out that it wasn’t Uncle Saul! Even better I could finally make the Jerky Boys my own because there were 2 soundboards devoted to them, I had arrived.

With the advent of the cell phone, prank calling kinda died out. You can’t prank text, you get computer privileges taken away when you get a D+ in Chemistry, and  pretty soon you are laughing so hard you forget to hit *67 once and you’re cover is blown. So no I can’t prank call anymore that day has passed, but I pour out a mini Sutter Home for you “Private Caller” with 15 calls on Saturday night, sure you interrupted a jam session to Big Tymers Still Fly, but I will always have  a little respect of a classic prank call.