It’s Monday, Monday and I’m back from some mind altering days on the west coast. If you have not been to Malibu then please stop reading this tell your boss you feel flu-ish, drive directly to the nearest airport and buy a ticket at the counter and never come back. However, if you live in Malibu you are probably reading this from the beach, because no one in California seems to have a job, and also can I come visit you for the next 2-4 years? So I went on a great Cali vacation where I stalked all the Real Housewives, went on a TMZ run tour, and hung out at the Roosevelt Hotel like I was some coked up Hills cast member.
We also knocked out July 4th, and pretty well if I do say so myself. From California to Cape Cod I’m spreading mass amounts of love across this great nation with a few Amstel Lights and side eye for all you hoes putting up status updates that say “HAPPY 4th EVERYONE”, that’s the best you can do? You attended 16 plus years of schooling and that’s all you came up with? I can’t really judge because Tough Issues confession, I never really cared for school. I always felt like I could be doing something better like watching a Road Rules marathon, or pumping CD singles in my back yard, but you’re also suppose to get some pre-algebra in there I’m told.
To get me through school and occasionally get a B my parents had a tried and true method, bribery. One report card for every B I got my Mom would by be 1 thing from Express, I think I walked out with like a wallet. There was another time when I was suppose to make honor roll to get a Tommy Hilfiger back but I convinced my parents to buy it for me BEFORE report cards, let’s just say I knew it was going to take some pleading to get the bag but I would stand a better chance if it was in a 200 ft radius of my house. Spoiler alert, they caved and gave it to me, and it looked fantastic in my 14 year old mind. Translation, it sucked.
Perhaps one of their best forms of bribery was done at the end of my 6th grade school year. I had read in my TEEN magazine, which is also where I read about the GYNO for the first time and cried. My cousin informed me that you had to go before you turned 18 and I thought maybe I could just lie about my age for 70 years.
Whatever, aside from scaring me about routine procedures Teen also told me about a hot new trend, Tamagotchi. Don’t remember Tamagotchi? Didn’t you ever go to middle school? Tamagotchis were Japanese hand held digital pets. They operated on those tiny silver batteries that drain in about a minute and you would use the three tiny buttons that are the same size as the reset button on my cable box to create and take care of your baby Tamagotchi.
You were suppose to put them on your key chain but like what 11 year old has a key chain? Unless you were a latch key kid, in which case your parents probably weren’t buying you a Tamagotchi.
Don’t ask me how I found the photo of a Sweet Valley book about their friend Ellen that is a latch key kid. It was easier than one would have thought….You could so some basic shit to your baby Tama like feed it, make it play fetch, and obviously clean up it’s shit. But then there was some weird crap, for example you could discipline your little computer pet, I think that was for when it beeped during your history class. I think the majority of mine would die, or to be honest my sick head would kill them on purpose, so I could get a fresh start. Looking back the graphic itself was a little lacking, to say the least but lay off us, we didn’t even have AIM yet.
Because clearly the Japanese had beat us to the punch and they had a great thing going there had to be some competition in the digital pet world. Enter the Giga Pet and the Nano. Giga pets kinda kicked it up a notch because they had actual animals on the screen. I had a Giga because I suckered my mom into buying me one when was running errands and I felt irrationally happy with the fact that I now had 2 digital pets.
There was serious hell when my sister got a Nano and I realized they were slightly better than my Giga. Obviously I pulled what every 12 year old pulls, the old yea I wouldn’t have wanted that kinda anyway. Because I went to public school that was semi povo the teachers actually let us use our stupid digital pets in school. What the fuck is that? I was excited because it meant I could play fetch with this POS toy during pre-algebra, but looking back, what the fuck? Teachers who were 2 years away from retirement at their finest. Taking care of 2 digital pets was a full time freakin job, plus the batteries died so often you were always reseting these fuckers. Eventually we got them taken away at school, something about being a distraction, what do I know I was too busy coveting a Nano pet to pay attention. So there ya have it, throw your smart phone in the trash, delete your facebook…we all think about when we see basic bitches put up those updates, and find some watch batteries because we’re bring Tamagotchi’s back. Those other digital pets don’t know how to act….ok we’re bringing back that song too…or maybe just this song….