Laguna Beach High School Presents: How To Lock Down An NFL Quarterback.

EVERYBODY knows I love me some old school Laguna Beach! LC, Kristin, Stephen, the chubby Mormon, Talan Torriero and his hit song “Some Are Dead In Hollywood”! These kids threw down with suspicious solo cups, attended more formals than all of us combined, and fought over Stephen Colletti like he was the Brad Pitt of Orange County. I hate to be a traitor to all things Laguna but Stephen was a little on the short slash skater side for Tough Issues…but we’ll take a Jason Wahler any day, minus the whole rehab, failed baseball career thing. 

These hoes eventually all graduated from Laguna Beach high school and wine coolers to The Hills University and coke, it’s tough course load but someone has gotta do it! Unfortunately The Hills turned into a Spencer Pratt Nightmare and our Laguna cameos were few and far between. But you know who continued to turn it out? Kristin freakin Cavallari.

I get the MIDDLE, and the low cut shirt, back off bitches. 

Kristin was the meanest girl in Laguna and she knew all the rules, have an army of less hot friends, play emotional mind games with the 1%, and at some point date someone connected to Bruce Jenner to up the ante!

Kristin was raised by her gray haired clueless dad, I can tell you what that means a whole lotta Dad I’m studying at friends house but you’re really hanging out with someone named POLSTER. Sidenote: I have never hung out with a dude named Polster, but I’m not opposed to it. So KC grew up to be a bad ass betch! After dabbling in the world of The Hills, Area Night Club and Justin Bobby, Kris remembered what her ex-boyfriends stepsister had told her 4 years ago, if you wanna date up, date NFL. 

Why go NBA, MLB or ewww NHL when you can go Quarterback? And a decent looking one at that. Kristin went to Chi-Town, trolled Solider Field and look what she found.

She’s not attending basketball games with Stephen Colletti LC, because Kris knew it was time to upgrade. 

Kristin laughs at your LOGE seating at the Lakers Conrad as she sits in the owners box at every Bears game, and if the weather is above 60 degrees, on the sidelines! KC, did you ever know that your my hero? 

Kris got Jay Cutler to put a ring on that and everything was shaping up to be the greatest wedding that the people of Laguna had ever seen, and then the UNTHINKABLE happened, Jay called that shit off. Why? Because he found out she once made out with the entire lax team at a party sophomore year? They were DUNZO. 

But just as Kristin tried to figure what the return policy was at Klienfeld she was saved by a shitty end to the Bears season. Jay must have been feeling pretty down because he realized he would never do any better and that he wasn’t down to slum it with a Kardashian…so he called Kristin back up and with his additional free time and momentary low self esteem they got back together! Another Laguna miracle!!! 

This time though Kris wasn’t going to mess around, she made him agree to get married again and to really solidify the deal she skipped a few birth control pills and got preggers. So now we have our first Laguna baby, other than Jessica who was dumpy and got married at like 20. 

The best way to get over your DUI? Shot gun wedding and a baby! 

Today we salute you Kristin Cavelleri, you have been a bad ass bitch since you rolled your eyes at Lauren’s lame ass Black and White party…

THIS PARTY IS DUNZO. 

But don’t get too cocky Kris, I remember some one else who thought they could lock down a QB and it didn’t end well….

Heyyyy isnt that GISELLE, we should go introduce ourselves! It will give me a chance to brush up on my Portuguese. 

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