Guyssss last weekend I did something kinda immature, shocking right? I threw a house party. I hadn’t done that shit in years. Back in my hey day of under age/living at the casa de Dad I threw a couple that resulted in several of my father’s CD’s being stolen and having to spend the better part of an afternoon cleaning out the grill. Basically they were the white version of this:
But in honor of wrapping up a 13 vacation that included but was not limited to drinking many mini bottles of Sutter Home, hitting on men who had been divorced not once, not twice, but thrice, and watching Untouchable: The Drew Peterson Story twice, in one night, I knew that a house party at the APT was the most fitting way to say so long SPRING BREAK. So we threw down, and granted it wasn’t like the old days, ie I didn’t find any random dudes crying in my little sister’s room watching “The Emperor’s New Clothes” on VHS. Yes, that happened once. But the Bone Thugs tracks were plentiful, the random assortment of booze was high (WHO BROUGHT MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE?), and there were a few people who I’m still hazy on how they ended up there. I think Kid and Play would have approved. But guys something HAPPENED, so I had hooked up my phone to the Bose, because if you want to play with the big dogs it’s a Spotify playlist fo REAL.
But with every great house party there is someone who didn’t make the invite list. Who am I kidding I was inviting anyone and their brother, but apparently I forgot someone because they started calling at about midnight and consequently interuptting the music every 2 minutes, but get this, it was on a PRIVATE NUMBER. WHAAAAT?? Who is still *67-ing before they dial? Are we at a 7th grade sleepover ( I WISH). And it didn’t stop, until I picked up and said, LISTEN you are inturrupting a jam session, CUT THE SHIT. And after that, they kinda let up. I woke up the next day and was like what the fuck, who still PRANK CALLS? Then I realized, how can I hate, because guys, I was a prank caller.
When you grow up with parents who OWNED Jerky Boys records and at age 6 can quote Frank Rizzoi applies for a job as a mechanic quotes you are really setting yourself up for an interesting adolescence.
I started my foray into prank calling with the September favorite, the school directory. Yes, while most kids were excited about a fresh Trapper Keeper, that piece of shit was going to last about 3 weeks, the school directory was about to last me the entire academic year haterssss. I would do the usual call and hang up, call and put the phone up next to JAMN 94.5, nothing that exciting, but we were just laying the foundation.
By the time I got to high school it was time to KICK IT UP A NOTCH. I had already earned a reputation as a pranker so it was time to expand beyond the class list. So began, stores, businesses, etc. No business was safe but my favorites included but were not limited to:
Kinko’s: I would attempt to order 5,000 flyers for a party TONIGHT. My tag line was, I need a homie on the front, and a homie on the back. I don’t even know what that means.
The local liquor store: Keeping in mind that I was throwing a party for approximetly 5,000 homies I was going to need some beverages. I would inform the liquor store that I needed about 200-300 bottles of Cristal by tonight. Mind you I had never even had champagne, I had probably consumed half a Zima and 4 sips of Miller High Life at this point. But I HAD seen a plethora of Puff Daddy videos and I knew this would be a necessity to any throwdown.
Usually they would say they didn’t have any but one time the guy was like I think we have some, he puts me on hold for like 15 minutes and comes back panting, YES we have 3 bottles of Cristal!!! Would you like them delivered? Where did you say the party was again, what is the address for the Medford Boat Club?
This is when I promptly hung up. PS when did they get tables with UMBRELLAS??? What the hell! Why did my dad have to cancel our membership? I think it’s because I almost got kicked out of the sailing program on a weekly basis for trying to bring my shower radio on the boat, showing up late on purpose, tipping over a row boat on purpose…
Biznasses were fun and all but then I met the E-Baum’s soundboard. Remember this bad Larry? If you had a cordless phone…or just a phone with decent amount of cord you could at the desk top and work some serious prank call magic.
Finally I could go back to the Holy Grail of the school directory undetected. I had this one family that had an uncle who must have sounded JUST like Dr. Phil because I could get the mom to talk to him for about 2-3 minutes before she would figure out that it wasn’t Uncle Saul! Even better I could finally make the Jerky Boys my own because there were 2 soundboards devoted to them, I had arrived.
With the advent of the cell phone, prank calling kinda died out. You can’t prank text, you get computer privileges taken away when you get a D+ in Chemistry, and pretty soon you are laughing so hard you forget to hit *67 once and you’re cover is blown. So no I can’t prank call anymore that day has passed, but I pour out a mini Sutter Home for you “Private Caller” with 15 calls on Saturday night, sure you interrupted a jam session to Big Tymers Still Fly, but I will always have a little respect of a classic prank call.