Questionable Metaphors and Basketball Jerseys A Tribute To R Kelly Ignition.

This morning in my 6 minute commute to work, which I inevitably am still always running late for I realized I wasn’t in as MUCH of a foul mood as usual. I couldn’t put my finger on it and the I remembered, in the words of Robert Sylvester Kelly, also known as R. Kelly, it’s the FREAKIN WEEKEND.

If you are from the Tough Issues school of thought, which god help you if you are, you know that the greatest moment of the week is the freakin weekend. I’m in a good mood, you’re in a good mood, and we don’t have to set our alarms manana. Unless you work on the weekends, in which case completely disregard everything I just said, and everything Mr. Kelly is about to say. In honor of the weekend I give you your Friday Throwdown jam of the day, IGNITION: Remix.

I’m not really sure if there was an ever un-remixed version of this song, but F it WE’LL DO IT LIVE!!! WE’LL DO IT LIVE!!!!

Right off the bat Kells literally introduces this video with talking, “Yo usually I don’t do this, but  break em off with a little preview of the remix”. I can only compare this to the b.s. line the nurse practitioner gave me at Winchester Family Physicians 2 weeks ago, when she gave me an emergency Z-Pac before my strep text came back. USUALLY I DON’T DO THIS FOR PEOPLE! Wow, a bitchy nurse and R. Kelly, both going against their own code of conduct. WHATEVER! Unfortunately only one of them was wearing a coat that may or may not have been made out of a polar bear.

Yes, because Kells only has two choices of attire the entire time, can you imagine how many eye rolls the person on wardrobe had? Kells would like a white fur coat, and then 43493849504358 basketball jerseys. That sounds do-able.

If you watch this video carefully the concept is pretty straight forward. R. Kelly and a group of respectable women leave their suite (read: adjoining rooms at the Raddison Hotel) to hit up a party, however the party is located in the stretch Hummer.

Kells goes into the limo and it suddenly has tripled in size, has a full bar, and allows you to stand up on said bar and dance. It’s really the Narnia of the rap world, but in this case the wardrobe is a limo and a world with magical creatures is a world with a man who was accused of raping an underage girl.

There are so many classic lines in this video but here are my favorites:

1. You must be a football coach they way you have got me playing the field.

I wish I could use that line in conversation. Does that mean she is playing KELLS, watch out lady, he doesn’t take no for an answer. Wait I can’t write that, ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES.

2. Cristal poppin the stretch Navigator, we got food everywhere, as if the party was catered.

Any time you go to any throwdown I think it’s important to have a rough draft of the food and beverage situation. And as we learned yesterday the early 2000’s were the golden years of referencing Cristal.

However, I wonder if food is the best choice at this throwdown. With the amount of basketball jerseys, bodily fluids, and sweatbands do you really think that having a plethora of food sanitary? My cousin who lives in Chicago was telling me they have food at WAKES. So it’s a dead body andddd an egg salad sandwich with a side of pasta salad.

I’m sorry I’m voming. Chicago is the hometown of Kells, note the repeat BULLS jersey, so maybe it’s just a Chi-Town thing, food in questionable situations. Also, in this video I imagine the food is similar to a wake spread, chaffing dishes of baked ziti, garden salad, assorted deli meats, and brownie bites for dessert YUM!

3. After the show it’s the after party, and after the party it’s the hotel lobby.

Listen there is no way around this, Kells and I have something in common, we are both PLANNERS. I’m a planner bitches, and I love a guy that just lays the evening out. Kells specifically plans out the evening, from the show, to the party, and then BACK to the front desk at the Raddison Hotel.

Good fight, GOOD NIGHT. YO WHAT TIME DO YOU HOES STOP SERVING ROOM SERVICE. You know it’s going to be a late night snack by vending machine. Once I got into  a fight with the front desk at like 3 am because they had forgotten to bring us a cot and they were out and I believe my line was , “Steve, I’m just like so disappointed, but I’m too tired to fight right now, so I’m going to come downstairs tomorrow and we are going to talk this out.” Spoiler alert: I threw my freakin shades on in the morning, stole a cup of coffee, and never talked it out with Steve.

So enjoy your weekends friends and frenemies! Rock out to Kells, fight with hotel front desk clerks, and if all else fails pound an egg salad sandwich in a questionable location. See you hoes on MONDAY.

2 thoughts on “Questionable Metaphors and Basketball Jerseys A Tribute To R Kelly Ignition.

  1. haha! I like “it’s like Murder She Wrote..once I get you out dem clothes” CLASSIC! My clothes would fall off after that line. Have a good weekend ;) Have you seen Weird Al’s parody of “Trapped in the Closet”? I think it’s called “Trapped in the Drive Thru” I’ll see if I can find a link. lol

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