You’re Ruining IT For EVERYONE, basic bitches.

It’s Tuesday, it’s raining, and it hasn’t hit 70 degrees in approximetly 9 days, so clearly I’m heated. I have Sox tickets tonight which will more thank likely result in my broke ass sitting in the bleachers for 2 hours only to have the game rained out slash lose the dope blow dry I did last night. I spent at least 15 minutes with the round brush for NOTHING.

Because I’m heated, and I have no soul when it comes to the internet I have decided to tackle something that has been bothering myself, and Tough Issues fanboy Mikey B. for awhile now, the BASIC BITCH. I’m excited to say that Mike and I made this list together and we are excited to share witchu HOESSSS. You may be sitting at your desk/iphone/palm pilot wondering …what is a basic bitch?  Easy a basic bitch is someone that likes pointless crap that gives a bad name to all bitches out there. You might be wondering now, am I a basic bitch? Well take our trick ass bitch quiz and find out now. Just a heads up if you like quizzes you are probably a basic bitch, so keep reading!

You might be a basic bitch if…..

1. You still watch Jersey Shore:

Sure anyone could throw down with the first season of J Shore, we coined the term grenade, we made Ron-Ron juice, and Snooks was kinda entertaining. You ever see these broke asses in Italy, it’s embarrassing. Every episode is exactly the same, the wake up at noon, pretend to work somewhere, come home, take showers, go out and fight with each other and locals. If I wanted to watch a bunch of boring people fight over dudes who are not hot I would go back to the 10th grade. If you want to watch some entertaining people have reality tv fun in Italy go re-watch season 2 of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Can I get this shit framed?

2. You read Jodi Picoult books.

I could write a Jodi Picoult book in an afternoon and still have time to do a 45 minute blow dry/curl ends. Have you ever read one of these books? Someone has to die, then some dumb bitch is trying to not get convicted for murder…or is having the dead persons baby…or falls in love with the dead persons brother. This is some 8th grade plot line if I ever heard it. I’ll admit I borrowed one for someone once and I read it and I was like eh that was almost entertaining, lay off me I was on vacation. So I borrowed another one, it was the same freakin plot set in a different quaint New England village. How many people are committing murder suicide in the Berkshires???? And if you are a bitch that reads these I should point out that there is always a creepy Jesus undertone.

4. You own pink Red Sox gear

Listen I’m all for looking dope in your sports gear. I look fantastic in a v-neck, but last time I checked pink and baby blue were for baby showers that I’m hung over at. No I don’t need any cake, I just threw up in the function hall bathroom, I will take a mint though. Why do bitches need to have pink Red Sox crap, what is this proving? I like sports, but I’m still going to be a tacky biatch about it. Grow up and wear a real color.

Also, look at this shirt, least flattering cut ever. You think think that’s going to get you picked up at the Baseball Tavern? Return that for a low v-neck.

4. You quote Marilyn Monroe

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe…except this should say a 9th grade girl with a dream journal and 2 ex-boyfriends.

Ok, how did this Marilyn Monroe shit start and how do we make it stop? Marilyn Monroe never said ANY of this shit, where are basic bitches finding these quotes? Oh I know, on sites that actually have lists of  fake Marilyn Monroe quotes and the facebook profiles of other basic bitches. Ladies, if Marilyn were alive today she would be your own lil Lohan who you have all abandoned. Marilyn Monroe was a pill popping hoe, we condone hoes here at TI, but not the self medicating kind.

5. You drink Skinny Girl Margarita…a LOT.

Listen I enjoy a glass of Skinny Girl, hell I enjoy a bottle of Skinny Girl. But you don’t have to attend bar tending school to figure out that it’s just a clear tequila with lime juice and agave. I could make you that shit for 9 dollars in my kitchen, save you $4 , and not contribute to Bryn Hoppy’s college education. I like Bethany just as much as the next bitch, and she is an exemplary trick ass bitch, but basic bitches you’re arms aren’t toned enough to be Bethany Frankel. Ice it up and hit me with a Skinny Girl, but if you can’t pound a Bud Light, you my friend are wasting bar money and you are being a basic bitch.

Some other talking points that there just AREN’T enough hours in the day to address for basic bitches: reading Perez Hilton still, quoting and relating to any and all characters on Sex & The City (you are NOT Carrie Bradshaw, and more importantly why would you want to be her??), you shop at Express often, you own anything by Adele, you have read and enjoyed more than one Chelsea Handler book, you put up facebook shout outs to people not on facebook, you still put up facebook shout outs, you like The Notebook.

So that’s your list friends, agree, disagree, change your ways, defreind me…it don’t mattaaaa. And I’ll admit I like a lot of shitty shit, judge all you want, but I can tell you one thing I’m not a basic bitch, and hopefully you aren’t too. Special thanks to Mike B aka the King of Tribeca for helping me put together this list, he’s the most not basic bro I know, after my Dad.

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