There comes a time in all of our lives where we develop a slight sense of self awareness and realize something we are doing is immature and pointless. Thankfully for me the only thing I have crossed that bridge with is watching season 3 of Desperate Housewives. However, lately I don’t feel the same way about Facebook that I once did. I like Facebook for 2 reasons, stalking pictures and putting up decent status updates and I don’t think I’m alone in that friends. However I feel like those of us who use if for these worthwhile reasons are dwindling in an age of stay at home moms documenting every bowel movement of their child and bitches who can’t be funny putting up those damn drawings with phrases about how slutty, drunk, or obsessed with themselves they are. To which I say KNOCK IT OFF FACEBOOK. I come on the book to stalk my ex-boyfriend’s sister and flip through photos of myself, those are the right reasons, so may I give you the wrong uses of facebook in my humble Tough Issues opinion.
1. Your kid
I don’t have a kid, thank god on so many levels, but if I did I really hope I wouldn’t be putting up a million photos of it a day. I get what it looks like, it might even be cute! It might even look cute on the beach, or at a parade, or in it’s Halloween costume. But your kid isn’t doing much, it’s not providing hilarious updates, and those little quotes you have from them, I’ll say 1 in 15 is actually funny. Your kid isn’t having a dramatic Facebook relationship that I can stalk. Your kid doesn’t stay up late enough to have an opinion on Teresa on Real Housewives of New Jersey, I mean maybe you watch the re-broadcast the next day, but that doesn’t count! I want my RHONJ opinions first run. It’s time to take a few less iphone pics with that damn kid and a few more when you are waste faced on girls night out bitches.
My Solution: 1 kid picture a week. It can’t change much in 7 days. And I think Mom’s across book will find they have more time to re-organize the basement toy cabinets…or whatever Mom’s enjoy doing, gahhh I’m never having a child.
2. The VAGUE status update
Not familiar with the vague status update, I’ll give you some of my favorites,
1. Trying not to feel anything….
2. Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any worse….
3. Why do I even try….
The…is key it illicit the standard “WHAT’S WRONG” or the ever popular “OMG WHO DO I NEED TO BEAT UP” and then the comments on a status that gave me an eye roll turn from 2 to 22 as the status updater tells their closest fbook friends things like “I’ll call you later” or “Thanks….things are hard right now”. Listen we have all had shitty days. I’ve had Facebook since 2005, in that time I have gotten my ass dumped multiple times, had epic fights with my friends and family, and gotten laid off. But never once has Facebook seen my sweat. Don’t show Zuckerburg any sense of sadness, rejection, or confusion.
My solution: If you are really having a bad day call a good friend, go for a run, look into getting a good therapist! This is the most sane advice we have ever given on TI, I will stop NOW.
3. The pictures of your food
Now everybody knows I believe being interested in food is a just a gateway drug to being a fatass so I firmly believe you should have like 10 things in your diet and 2 of them should be hardboiled egg whites and Triscuts which leaves plenty of room for just lemons and ice water, so when I see a picture of your food part of my soul dies. First off, I doubt you need the calories, second of all can’t you just be a normal person and get a cheeseburger side of fries whenever you go out to eat like I do? No you don’t need all that shit in your fbook photo and further more, you don’t need to share it.
4. The Birthday Wishes Thank You
Now I hate to go all female Larry David on here but are we really living an in age where I need to thank someone I haven’t seen in person in 7 years for writing Happy birthday girl! Has anyone ever done the random HEY, happy birthday to someone and then felt so satisfied when they saw the thanks for the birthday wishes the next day. It feel so good to be recognized for my contribution on a social networking site. No one thinks that and if you do get at me, I can knock ya back into reality. Saying happy birthday on facebook takes less effort than getting up to pee right before you are about to drift off to sleep, I want to get thanked for that once in awhile, that is a struggle.
Solution: Accept your birthday wishes but don’t acknowledge and put up a status like older but not wiser, also I kill people!!!
Now this might be my most controversial belief but lemme walk you through my issue with the Facebook wide death shout out. If I died I don’t want people memorializing that stuff on the book. And what does the Facebook death notice do for the general public? It alerts others who may have known you in the most awkward way possible that you are now dead, and furthermore it allows all those other randos to get in on mourning you. You didn’t put up with my crap that night I had a littttle too much to drink at the Fall River party and cried because I couldn’t find the seatbelt in the car. NO, I don’t want just anyone to have access to mourning my passing. So instead of putting up some vain RIP status, go write the family a nice sympathy card and if are really upset go back to the last line under solutions for the vague status update. I’m not going to write sane words twice in one post.
So there ya have it friends, Facebook we have a problem, but let’s rise up and bring the book back to where we started from a place to piss off all of our ex’s and let 400 people know we are interested in “RANDOM PLAY”.