As a child did you day dream about 5 am practices at freezing cold ice rinks, moving to a training facility 4 hours away from your parents, having over developed leg muscles, and being yelled at 6 hours a day by a judgmental Ukranian coach with a heart of gold?
Well guess what, Tough Issues did, because it was the 90’s and skating was the sport for 8 year olds! I LOVED figure skating, actually I still kinda love figure skating. Skating in the 90’s was fierce, the talent, the drama, the costumes! If you were a girl in 1990-1998 you probably had a soft spot for some skating. My sister and I took skating so seriously we would cover our eyes when our favorites would do jumps….the winter Olympics were intense for the entire household. And with that I give you the BEST of the best of the best! A 1990’s ladies skating breakdown, Tough Issues style, YES TRIPLE TOE LOOP, that’s in my best Scott Hamilton impression, kick us off Scotty.
The Queen Bee: Kerrigan
No she never won the gold, but no one topped Kerrigan, nor will anyone. Everything about Nancy kicked ass. My mom was pregnant with my youngest sister during my Kerrigan obession and she used to jokingly say maybe they would name the baby Nancy and I got extremely jealous, I wanted to be Nancy! Spoiler Alert: My mom had my sister and didn’t name her Nancy. Anyway every girl in the great state of Massachusetts loved the bitch, she was pretty, talented, a local, and she used to tell people that she INVENTED the move you see her doing below. Uh ok.
Yes, because underneath the hometown hero Nancy was a kind of a real bitch. Remember she had an affair with her manager who was twice her age and he left his wife for her? Or when they caught her on camera ragging on the Disney Parade she was in?
She said the parade was the corniest thing she had ever done and she hated it. Really Nance? You were once engaged to a Zamboni driver, you did some Swan Lake exhibition free skate with Paul Wylie at the 1992 Olympics, and here you are skating with pictures of you skating in the background….
But hey, if driving down Main St is the corniest shit you feel you have ever done than our definition of corny differs. However was there anything more entertaining than the Kerrigan/Harding crowbar heard round the world? Tonya wanted to win the Olympics so she had her boyfriend’s friend club Nancy when she left practice. NOT OK. But NBD, not only did Nancy still perform, Tonya came in like 232394 place and Nance got silver. Because yes, even though she had attempted to seriously injure a fellow teammate they still let the bitch compete, the 90’s kicked ass.
No Tonya couldn’t stop Nancy….I know this because I read an unauthorized biography on her entitled “THE KERRIGAN COURAGE”, but you know who COULD stop Nancy, a sassy little 14 year old from the Ukraine.
The Sob Story: Oksana Baiul
Ok I’m still convinced Oksana won gold in 94 because the judges were sick of Nancy’s shit and they too had seen the 8 minute fluff piece on Oksana’s life in the Ukraine and cried, just like my 3rd grade self. Oksana’s father had left her family when she was 2, her mother died when she was 13, and she was living in CLOSET in her coaches house with like 342342 other skaters.
If I had to deal with this amount of sweat and Viktor Petrenko as my roommate I wouldn’t be amused
Little orphan Oksana. Bitch had to win a gold medal or she was probably going to be killed upon her return to her country. You don’t win in skating Oksana, I walk you right through Olympic Village you make it in time for down hill skiing you win medal there. Well Oksana won and I remember she moved to the United States, and I think shit kindaaaa fell apart, because she got some DUI’s, she talked shit about her coach and she showed us what happens when you combine Madonna’s Like A Virgin Tour with the Ukranian Courtney Love.
Whatever, you probably would be messed up too if you were an orphan whose legal guardian was her icy skating coach…and I read somewhere that Oksana got married had a baby, started looking like a heavier Calista Flockheart meets Octomom…
The Bitch That Wouldn’t Quit: Michelle Kwan
Michelle Kwan, she was in every Olympic games and she never won gold. Michelle and her sister Karen were BOTH figure skaters and they lived 3 hours away from their parents at their coaches house. Don’t judge these stage mothers, because Danny Kwan was the original.
If my father had to come to my 5 am skating practices 3 hours from our home it would be the Globe sports page a Dunkin Donuts black coffee and a whole lotta are we done yet?? He would also probably troll this place for friends preferably zamboni drivers who would talks sports.
I kinda feel like Michelle must have had a serious case of nerves because whenever it came down to it she would make some rookie mistake and get beat by like some 16 year old with a bad haircut.
Here she is with her coach Frank Carroll, I was Frank Carroll obsessed, he was a former skater too! Bronze medalist 1959 US Championships and a Wocester native! But Michelle kinda went nutty towards the end she fired Frank and was coaching herself, she tried to compete when she was like 30 and she had to drop out of the Olympics. But now Michelle goes to Tufts, she is probably fairly normal, and she’s got one serious work ethic thanks to this guy….
The Bad Ass Bitches: Tonya Harding and Surya Bonaly
For every ice princess, you need an ICE BITCH. What’s Snow White without the evil queen, just a movie about a girl who has 8 roommates that she has to clean up after all day…also nothing in the house is in functioning order for her stature.
While you’re in the mines all day I’m working my ass off here and trying to get rid of the serious pest problem you have accumulated!!!
ANYWAY, skating had it’s bitches. Tonya was just a girl who could kind of skate but got wayyy to interested in the wrong NASCAR fan. He had dreams of serious gold, or just releasing their wedding night as a sex tape, because that happened too.
Poor Tonya she need an over protective Asian Dad, or at least a Frank Carroll, to keep her focused and away from anyone with a crowbar and a ski mask!
Or how about France’s own Surya Bonaly! She was adopted by a gym teacher who turned who into a top figure skater. The orphan population must really want to be athletes. But unlike impressionable Oksana Surya Bonaly didn’t put up with shit! She won a silver medal once and gave it back on the podium. Or if she didn’t like the way a performance went she would just start doing some ILLEGAL in competition back flips.
These should NOT be illegal! These should be a requirement! Are you with me Scott Hamilton?
Skating is intense, the backstabbing, injuries, illegal moves, bad hair, bad costumes, affairs. It’s only 5 days every 4 years, but let’s be honest could we handle anymore?
Listen up Tara, you’re new here so I will fill you in…I own this rink, I own the locker room, and I especially own the warm up music choices, so back off betch.
So skating enthusiasts have a BRIAN BOTANIO inspired Monday! Look forward to a fun and exciting week of posts here at Tough Issues, and “like” us on Facebook to keep up on all things non pressing.
5 out of 7 of the Maginficant 7 have already given us the the thumbs up!
Don’t worry we are already collecting images of Bela Karolyi for our epic post on them!